Turns out, I wasn’t just lazy.

Despite being told that all my life, I took it upon myself to get tested for ADHD per my therapists recommendation. I was diagnosed at 38 years old.

38. Isn’t that crazy? Its especially crazy when you think about my childhood. There was not one year in school where I didn’t struggle. I’ve never made the honor roll. My grades were just enough to pass because I was terrified of being held back. I couldn’t focus in school, constantly in trouble for talking or not completing the work. My desk and backpack were always a mess and my room at home was the same.

I dreaded report card day. My brother who was a year older was an A student, and I couldn’t even complete the homework. Teachers would talk about my wasted potential, openly express that I was nothing like my brother, and send me off with an envelope that I was terrified to give my father. Giving him a bad report card – which, it was always bad – meant i was about to spend the evening crying. Crying as my dad yelled at me about how lazy I am, crying as he would smack in the mouth any time I said “I don’t know”. He would lecture me for hours, the mood constantly changing from anger, to disappointment, to sadness, to shame, back to anger and violence, repeat. When he would finally feel like I’ve had enough, he would send me to my room with extreme punishments that begin immediately.

This happened quarterly from first grade until the day I graduated. I tried to attend college twice and couldn’t get through more than one or two semesters. Not once did anyone suggest that maybe something was wrong. Maybe I wasn’t just lazy, maybe I was actually having a hard time.

So now, at 38, I am learning that I could have had such a different experience with school if I had the resources. I spent a lot of my 20’s in poverty, unable to keep a job or manage money. I also turned to drinking because of anxiety and depression. Don’t even get me started on the number of friendships I ruined during that time because I couldn’t manage my own emotions.

I’m angry, and I’m sad. Maybe I would have had kids sooner, maybe I would own a house (this will kill me forever due to the cost of housing currently) maybe I could have been something. We will never know.

xo